It was dusk or later Saturday. I was walking into the Klarman Building at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, having fetched my wife some Indian food we had ordered down the street using our phones (which is great, because I am intimidated by some menus in person). Our daughter was on her third day of having her chest drained of fluid and my wife had been by her side, in the room, for the lion’s share of those 72 hours.
In front of me, family of at least three generations was entering. Their dress and personal appearance very vividly said “Muslim”. That awoke nothing tribal or sectarian in me; it was simply distinctive.
And beautiful.
I’ve spent about 3 weeks tending to our daughter as she went through surgery and recovery at BIDMC and have walked the streets and paths of that part of Boston much more than I had planned. I got very appreciative with the warm and humorous robotic voice that says “Wait!” when you press the button to stop traffic. The flow of vehicles is constant – emergency vehicles are always arriving and saving lives. The flow of people is the same.
The medical staff, walking around in their lab coats and scrubs, identify the area by how common they are on the street. The area features multiple hospitals and research centers. But also, the young adults are everywhere, no doubt due to the prevalence of so many institutions of higher learning. Too, the jobs are plainly attractive for people who are starting their careers and adult lives. Also, the ethnic mix of people is stunning and well beyond accurate accounting. Language, tribe, hue of skin, dress and hairstyles vary so much that I found myself smiling every time I walked Brookline Avenue or the Riverway – part of Boston’s Emerald Necklace.
The depth of dedication to helping people is in the air. The Muslim family, entering an institution founded and funded by the loving generosity of people – most of whom were Jewish – put a lump in my throat. They were as welcome and loved and nurtured as anyone else in that place. This goes far deeper than the Hippocratic Oath or stated corporate vision. Contrasting the conflict and self-interest in the larger population, the honor given to people’s cultural identity and heritage is integral in the care-giving.
While I’m sure none of this is done perfectly – people are people – this place is different than any I’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s on the street, in Dunkin Donuts and the Longwood Galleria food court.
I make no bones or apologies for having a spiritual life of prayer. I pray not unlike Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, though I do try to offer thanks more than complain.
And in those exchanges in this very medical area of Longwood in Boston, I received a very warm assurance that I needed to see what I was seeing and feel what I was feeling. There’s a resolute statement that I know very well from deep inside – God is good and when people can love, there’s a smile on the face of God.
I am a person of faith. I will die a person of faith. Here’s what I believe; a creed for you (no, not in Latin): I believe in Jesus Christ, his identity as God the Son, his life-giving and instructive teaching, his miracles, his sacrificial death for my sins and miraculous resurrection from the dead. I pray to God daily and to Jesus through the Holy Spirit, who Jesus has sent to dwell within me.
That may be an entirely unreadable statement of faith to some people. It would have been for me for almost 3 decades of my life. I know that until my late twenties, it was inconceivable I would ever have a “faith walk” like I have for the past 40 years. I always had kind a mushy idea that there was a god, and like many, I fashioned my own beliefs to accommodate my own opinions and wanton lifestyle (where “wanton” means I satisfied my desires first and foremost without much consideration of anyone or anything – except maybe the risk of being arrested).
Now people of faith like me often get married, have children and impact their families and people around them with their beliefs. Atheists do that too. I’d say that adults-in-faith don’t realize the true impact of their lives – both good and bad – until much later, after the children have grown and results of lives are on display. And “results” are truly not known for generations, as people mature and live as adults themselves, pass on their beliefs and world-view, etc.
Also in play is the impact of one’s generation upon one’s outlook and beliefs. There is virtually no generation that has failed to rebel in some way against the old order. Baby boomers like me did this as an art form, fueled by and in response to the events of the 1960s. See our anthems as penned by Bob Dylan and others. And it’s not that we, or any generation, have it completely wrong in our desire to reform what the old folks got wrong. There is ancient injustice and inherited cultural/institutional dysfunction and the awful damage it’s done. The problem is that that we (of any generation) fall into insufferable sanctimony, thinking the world began when we were born, or at least the “good world” as we form our utopia. We find new heroes, castigate previously hidden villains, define new identities and rewrite morality accordingly.
It is felt as no less than an explosion of repressed humanity. Even if the repression is imagined and a form of pity party, we are SO proud of what we now know, which no one ever knew before. I lived all that. Violently, at least in my life’s art and expressions, working out what was almost volcanic inside.
What I found, and I believe many find, is that 1) despite my proud proclamations, both the world and this life were a lot bigger than I knew, 2) my pursuits were destructive to myself and others because they were all about grabbing what I wanted as I found it and 3) it already didn’t end well and was going to end worse. I felt justifiably guilty. I hungered for something that transcended my life yet also gave it meaning and goals that were not based upon selfishness. And yeah, I found Jesus. That statement is so misunderstood that I need to explain.
I became acutely aware of my ongoing selfishness and its outcome. Unable to maintain relationships, I bounced around and took advantage of people. While I enjoyed the pleasures that small-scale notoriety provides, the emptiness, aimlessness and chronic loneliness was killing me emotionally, and I believe physically (at least over time). The Christian faith offered a) forgiveness with God and becomes outward forgiveness of myself and others which was very freeing, b) a way of life that ignored self only to find it again gloriously in giving to others, c) proof points that were both historically and spiritually experienced and discerned, where the latter type attracts skepticism among those relying only on reason and rigors of “science”, it is nonetheless common practice in home-grown spiritual belief systems and practices, d) ongoing and progressively intimate community and comfort among those of the same faith.
To best communicate all this to people of any faith persuasion and world-view, I feel I must briefly address 2 common distortions that are aspects of theology – and we all have a theology, even atheists. One point is that of God as judge over humanity. Jesus does not paint a pretty picture about the state and thus, the eternal inheritance of the human race. While humankind can point to technological advances, kindness and nurturing among people apart from any faith, Jesus claims the role of the Savior we all need. If any innovation constitutes a new way of destruction that becomes its first and most profitable application. And even with the best of motives, humans glorify and profit themselves to the exclusion of anything bigger than they are. As that progresses, God does not instantly judge people, but turns them over to their pursuits – granting free will and the consequences of actions.
One may disagree with those findings and call them too gloomy and negative, but there is a vital statement to be made. People people of faith are NOT the judge. They may act it, but indeed, they are the judged – part of the mess, only redeemed by the kindness and mercy of God. Some can fall into spiritual pride, and look down upon people who remind them of their former selves. This is immature and an anomaly – call it spiritual malpractice if you like. True faith in Christ is ALWAYS invitational, open and loving to anyone.
The other aspect is that of God’s heart of loving redemption, rescue and restoration. I heard H. David Edwards say it best – “God loves you just the way you are, but loves you way too much to leave you like that”. Applied to a life of addiction, destitution or depravity and it is easy to see as a dramatic expression of God’s never ending, unconditional love. It is no less dramatic and deep applied to any life. The call to repent can be taken as an offense, but allowing the searching of one’s inner person by the Holy Spirit (unless and until one experiences it, possibly a strange concept) reveals progressive work to be done in unwinding the effects of humanity’s mess on any life. This does NOT imply a state of perpetual guilt with groveling about or a mean and critical eye to find the next fault or shortcoming. It is done in an already-forgiven state, where love is the motive for both the pointing and the repentance.
It might seem like this entry has at least two topics, but truly there is one – my experience in channeling the generational explosion of repressed humanity into the best life one can have – one of faith and salvation in Jesus.
Everyone is making videos, writing and talking about the COVID-19 lockdown, our mandated isolation from one another to avoid spreading this very contagious virus too quickly and overwhelming the ability of our healthcare system to cope with the too-large number of very sick people. When that happens – and it has – it causes the death rate to go higher than the apparent rate of 1% of victims if care is available. For perspective, 1% is 10 times the usually mortality rate from the annual flu strains.
But the measures we have taken are difficult and VERY difficult for some.
Drs. Deborah Birx and Anthony Fauci
Among all the talking heads, experts and wannabe experts, I personally have admired Dr. Anthony Fauci, NIAID Director and his colleague, Dr. Deborah Birx, who serves as Ambassador at Large in the U.S. State Department. Both have specialized in battling worldwide infectious diseases across the tenure of several U.S. presidents. Listening to them, it becomes clear they have worked their entire lives for such a time as this and it bodes well to listen to and heed what they say. There are of course many other very well-intentioned and -informed experts speaking and we do well to hear them all.
This season of weeks and months is humiliating for people. As productive, useful, helpful and competent we are as people, we have been reduced to our existence as biological carriers, hosts to a contagion we can’t even see. We’re little more than walking Petri dishes. And that belittles us and makes us feel pretty awful. We would love to do more, but doing less is the most helpful, which is utterly counter-intuitive.
Isolation can have horrible emotional effects. We feel trapped, controlled, limited, apprehensive and .. terrified. Personally, it always feels like I just did something wrong because I wasn’t well-informed. Well, I want to poke some holes in the underlying assumptions the fuel those emotions, because I truly believe we’re doing something very good for other people, out of love.
So let me highlight reactions I’ve seen – and should there be other, future crises like this one, these are tendencies to watch out for at those times as well:
Resigned Darwinist – though this person might never align him/herself with Charles Darwin, the survival of the fittest motive drives this thinking. “Old people and weak people are going to die anyway,” is the idea. And for the spiritual ones there is an added tag “, and we’re just messing with God’s will”.
Denier – there is no crisis. The whole thing is made up with ulterior motives by someone with the means to mass-communicate. And .. related to these there is the ..
Conspiracy theorist – this is just a power grab. Never mind that many nations around the world are independently practicing the same measures, there’s something going on behind the scenes that we’ll learn only late in the game, when it’s too late.
Negative Nancy – finding the worst possible twist on the situation, blaming our favorite objects of hate. In the U.S. for the people on the left that would be Donald Trump and for people on the right, the nation of China, where the virus originated in the area of Wuhan. And Negative Nancies predict exponentially worse end numbers and final results.
Hoarder/bunker dweller – related to the conspiracy theorists, they take selfish, self-preserving action in response to any large-scale change in living. Among Christian believers, this brings back the absolute lunacy of preparation for the Y2K crash that was never going to happen. But getting supplies and arms ready for the apocalypse is necessary to these folks for survival.
Rebel – who simply won’t comply. There are many more with thoughts of non-compliance, but these folks are getting arrested and fined because, well, the order is the order.
Scared people – pretty much everyone else. Scared that this season will cause their unemployment, damage the economy in the long term, damage their kids’ education, prospects and life’s goals. Terrified of being personally infected with COVID-19 or passing that one to someone else who might get very sick and die.
So, what to do … (and how to think about things) …
First, for followers of Christ
I am an ordained minister and my faith is integral in my life. In that, I urge all to “try faith” – to taste and see that God is good, to find personal redemption through faith in the sacrifice of Jesus, but I know not all have. I hope you can read some of the benefits of faith in what follows.
There were two different settings of these lyrics in the 1970s and 80s in the then-modern church worship repertoire (by Jo Ann Cate and Michael Ledner, respectively):
You are my Hiding Place You will preserve me from trouble You will surround me (compass me about|fill my heart) with songs of deliverance What time I am afraid, I will trust in You
The words have 2 points of origin, Psalm 32:7 and Psalm 56:3.
When I have asked believers what is going on spiritually in their lives during this season, the answer has uniformly been “something on the inside”. It goes along with being isolated, but the tender care of the Almighty – sensed both through active practices of prayer and worship and more abiding/passive awareness of God’s spiritual presence through the Holy Spirit – has been striking. It’s not that there has ever been a time when we have not been protected and watched over, but deep knowledge serves to arrest fear and all the temptation to grouse, be angry and rebel. We’re doing a good thing – God’s good thing.
Space doesn’t allow for an in-depth Bible survey describing God’s care for the weak ones: orphans, widows, sick, wounded, elderly and infirmed. But despite our feeling belittled and humbled by the current state of our existence, we are doing exactly what God has instructed his people to do. If you don’t feel the love God has for you, and thus, the love that would flow through you, it is my prayer that you discover it.
We are personally being preserved from trouble, kept away from that which can hurt us and hurt others through us. And the songs of deliverance are readily available for us to listen and join in. May we all find our songs (plural) during this season. They are prophetic and strengthening. Combined with faith they will be part of our “preserving”.
Psalm 56:3 doesn’t cast or even associate shame with fear. Fear just is. But it doesn’t have to reign our emotions (and I believe it is the true basis of all the bad reactions above). We can trust God, for deliverance, safety and future goodness in life, as general as that sounds.
Isaiah 40:31 is another passage that has been quickened to my life during this time:
Those who hope/wait/trust in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; They will run and not grow weary They will walk and not be faint.
We don’t naturally get away into being alone like we are now. We’re social creatures for whom community is life-giving. But the promise of this verse in Isaiah shows something else going on – a renewal of strength. There’s rest here if we would grab it, silence here if we would choose it. If we do, there’s a promise that we would receive an influx of energy of the spiritual kind to sustain is going forward. To keep our emotions in check, to keep our focus on doing good and not fall into mere self-preservation.
… and for all
A very relevant question gets raised:
“If you could sacrifice something to save someone’s life, eve if you never met that person and that person never thanked you, would you do it?”
Now, it’s absolutely your right to say “No!” to that question. Because you either
don’t want to sacrifice at all
don’t believe the person benefiting actually exists or
are picky about who you sacrifice for.
… or some other reason.
But, saying “no” will naturally cause you resent what is going on – particularly its being forced on you. You will fall into one or more of the emotional states listed above. That’s not good for you, or anyone else
102 years ago, during my grandfather’s early 20s, there was a worldwide pandemic called the Spanish Flu. It was far more deadly than COVID-19 and made worse by the measures people did NOT take and didn’t KNOW to take. 50 million people died worldwide, most of them in the prime of life.
Yes, Corona virus is different from that one, but we also know more. And there is overwhelming general consensus that we want to save as many lives as we can. So, we social distance, lockdown and isolate.
There are heroes who work in healthcare and get exposed every day in ways most of us never will. I celebrate them, love and pray for them.
We also all need to hear about the nature of our sacrifices. Someone who gives up something for someone else to live on is called a hero. Though it is involuntary and things are out of our control, though we are reduced to removing our bodies as hosts for the contagion, though we face real dangers of personal and national economic fallout, we do this thing, knowing that a weak person will be saved. Next year we will have a vaccination, know the best treatments and even know more about what parts of our actions were most effective.
I urge you not just to “hang in there” but to be creative during this time. I find it very helpful that technology is exactly where it is such that we can still see one another when in past times we would be limited to a phone call or less. So take advantage of that; it’s there for your pleasure and now, mental/emotional health. You are far, FAR from alone.
Addendum – the blame game
Right after events that cause difficulty and loss, there is a strong urge in the human soul to assign blame. It comes from our hunger for justice. Fault, once found, explains the pain and provides focus for our bereavement. This is no more the case than at the great national disasters and defeats. And it’s not that negligence wasn’t truly there. The 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor came after intelligence failure, as did the 9/11 attacks in our day. The current social distancing mandate came because there aren’t enough hospital beds or respirators to properly care for the numbers of critically ill people that the COVID-19 virus would otherwise infect. We should’ve known and prepared.
The trouble with going back to find those responsible is that one has to assume the reasonableness of expecting audacious attacks and a virus that spreads quickly and kills many. That is, to be ready for these disasters means to foresee and plan for them in the midst of times when things are well, or they look well. The suspicious and paranoid among us are sometimes right, but they are usually wrong. And they are always dreary.
Too, thinly masked behind the blame game is bubbling antipathy towards political foes and hunger for the power they hold – and have abused given their faults. I want none of it. Bad stuff happens; it’s no one’s fault and we need to roll with it. And find out where we can buy our just quota of toilet paper.
This article is representative of a genre. I will not call it fake news but rather “half news”. And I want to say why. And why it’s dangerous. But note that it’s under the “All the moms” section of USA Today, so every momma bear will have her hackles up to begin with.
The players:
Crystal Fisher – mother Dawn – her boss PS Food Mart (aka Folk Oil) – a company with 35 gas stations/convenience stores in the midwest USA.
In summary and at first blush this sounds like the actions of a rogue manager – Dawn – at one of the franchise “outposts” of the company. She didn’t know what she was doing, and it does sound like there was prior history with Crystal, the mother. So she may not even have believed Crystal?
So in part, fault likes with corporate PS Food Mart for not spelling out policy. This manager was clueless and was acting in a fear-driven way. An environment that discourages communication with headquarters only allows for good news (or at worst, business news, good or bad) to flow up. So Dawn may well have thought it was her job to just deal with this, cutting Crystal off to keep her franchise going. Texting is the worst way to communicate during times of crisis; Dawn should have known that her words would both hurt and stick. It is a leap to say that this was the first time the two communicated like this. But it became the final time.
At some places I’ve worked there are unwritten policies about this kind of thing. And at others, full-fledged long-term programs for life’s lingering emergencies. I can recount only a couple people EVER who took advantage and overstayed their leave.
Also, in my experience, despite official corporate communication, the firing of Dawn could be less about actual compassion or care for employees as a CYA move to eliminate lawsuits or simple PR to keep PS Food Mart/Folk Oil from looking bad. Individuals don’t matter in those cases; it’s all about the perspective of the public. Or PS Food Mart might indeed care and now establish policy. We won’t know because of the quick burn of the news.
Now, also, Dawn may indeed just been an uncaring despot, which the article would inspire. But that’s NOT a given. If true, a boss that pulls the plug on mourning, care for one’s loved ones or disability-driven absence does not deserve to lead people; that person simply has too much to learn. If that person’s manager allows that behavior, s/he will sacrifice a whole lot of good people who will either leave or just become less productive because who wants to work for someone who hasn’t got your back?
But USA Today/New York Post and any other media company reporting on this didn’t care about balancing things; they only wanted viral circulation, which makes them more money. At people’s expense. Dawn may well be a good manager who did her uninformed best, but good luck finding work now.
First, my take on things – Donald Trump’s communications are juvenile and narcissistic. He is not alone in his use of fear to gain and keep in power. He has used xenophobia to get elected, those on the left have used plutophobia. The hatred directed towards him does not come from a vacuum, but it has almost completely ruined what might otherwise be a reasoned, effective platform in opposition. I do not hate the man myself; his job as President is neither without merit nor failure.
This video was made to resist him and those like him. As such, it cannot be accurate or fair; it doesn’t WANT to be. Here are its points with some balance:
1. Controlling the free press – neither the left nor right press is free at this time. The left is blindly driven by hatred for one man and is practicing creative writing which it will continue to unless and until it finds some accusation, some conspiracy that has actual evidence that sticks and it achieves its goal of getting the man out of power. It is not interested in the truth, not now. On the right is an equally misdirected group bent on attack ITS political foes at the expense of the truth. Editorials have been masquerading as front page news for a long time now but people don’t seem to know or care about the difference.
2. Blaming minorities – the right blames the poor minorities, the left blames the rich minorities. Each has a playbook, both are inaccurate and intentionally misleading so as to keep the crowd in contempt disguised as unity. It works because of the pain of the masses, not because of the power-madness of a despot. The spectacular yet spotty crimes committed by individuals within the group being hated are generalized towards the whole group. Arabs are all terrorists, rich people are all exploitative misers. No one is going to be concerned about starving, disenfranchised rich people, but the tribal dynamics are the same.
Using force against protesters on the part of the feds and under the direction of the tyrant just hasn’t happened. It is so fanciful to play the Hitler/Nazi card but no, this isn’t that. It just isn’t.
3. Reading political defunding as way to gain control is fanciful. For the right’s dismissal of judges and watchdog groups – the former of which happens no matter who is in power – the left declares war on military spending. One could read diabolical motives into both. If one had time to waste. I do not think there is any current lack of investigation of internal activity. Just lack of results.
4. Loyalty over competence? All leaders need both so the dichotomy is contrived. But then the whole scare nature of the video has to do that, make parallels with real tyrants to get motivate its tribe.
5. Elections that have no chance of bringing change? Sounds like a frontal attack on the system to me.
6. Nonviolent resistance – all you want. Good idea. For those protesting pipelines, actions against immigrants or abortions or same-sex marriage. If there is violence, it comes from as many sides as the protests.
7. The ACLU is a good idea; but it has become selective in what civil liberties it fights for.
To start I will cite my conclusion – What will come out of the present situation are workable immigration laws. The ones we have now don’t work and haven’t worked for at LEAST 50 years.
It’s curious that so many people are suddenly interested in the problem; only after pictures of crying, abandoned kids showed up – which establishes a new way to hate Donald Trump. Before then it was easy to ignore the desperate suffering. But there is little new.
There is a missing celebration of the fact that America is the destination for so many. Far from the motivation of criminals wishing to exploit a soft country, which may be true in a small minority of cases, the promise of safety, opportunity and a better life in general is a draw that causes people to risk. And risk they do.
I’ve known and still know several “illegal” immigrants (I quote illegal because that is a statement of law and laws change – as I predict they will now). And it’s a big mix of people – some desperate to have a home without violence, completely law abiding and hard working. Some came just to make more money than they could at home and send home the $$, rip off the system then move back after 20 years or so. I found out some who were committing felonies like forgery. Most I’ve known would love to be US citizens if that were possible. But it is also safe to say that there is compromise concerning laws, not just those of immigration they broke and are breaking to be here.
I went to the grocery store 2 hours ago. I saw about 10 people from my community that I can well guess from their appearance are not citizens (not just skin color, there are distinctive Ecuadorian and Brazilian features one can easily see). We have a huge (something like 2500 people) community of illegal aliens in my town. They buy groceries with money made in jobs where they don’t pay taxes, say. Do I know that? No, it’s an educated but often true guess.
So .. what is the “American” thing to do? Should I call ICE? Should I take pictures with my camera? Is it my job to make their lives scary and miserable in new ways?
Know this – we don’t have the money, the resources the time or frankly the stomach to deport 11 million people. Ain’t happening. But laws that do something with those folks are needed; that’s the first problem to be solved. I’d think that we give people a long, hard road to citizenship, but a requirement to register. No register, no stay in US.
The ridiculous, inconsistent and broken laws also created the humanitarian crisis with kids being taken away from their parents. Since the Bible has entered into the discussion let me say definitively that no one really can square that with scripture no matter how it’s twisted. So, sorry, it’s wrong. Truly, it is simply enforcing some bad laws that’s caused the crisis, but even President Trump has decided it’s not a good idea.
The borders and the flow people to them are a second problem to be solved by laws. Stemming the flow requires dealing with the horrible state of broken countries, thugocracies that slaughter and exploiters that promise an easy solution through stealing away into the US. America is not likely to solve any of those problems. So asylum, where it is applicable, is a worthy and honored reason to allow entrance. I’m proud that our country has that in its laws.
When asylum can’t be granted, deportation or increased numbers of legal immigrants are really the only other options. The crushing numbers of these cases requires a huge number of judges to oversee that process. But it’s not an easy or cheap problem to solve. I would say that families need to stay together though; saying mothers have broken the law and therefore their children suffer is really quite lame. The Bible is full of instruction to take care of the orphans; this policy CREATES orphans. It doesn’t square, like I said. It also says how to treat aliens, all well and kindly.
The really bad guys, MS13 and the like, mostly in the drug trade with its murderous operations, fly under the radar. They won’t be easily detained or even found. They – “the criminal element” – are the reason for the wall idea. Which is why it won’t be effective.
The problem is complex and its solution(s) will be complex too. People don’t like complex things which is why liberals want to just people in and conservatives just want them to go away. It doesn’t matter; we MUST solve this and fix our immigration laws.
The latter floor is one of muscle. To be specific it is the levator (pronounced like the French might entitle Darth Vader, when his first name (well that was a title itself) was well known – “Le Vader”). Anyway, this important and large sinew keeps the contents of your abdomen – I mean organs, intestines, colon, bladder, uterus (well, not me) etc – the contents that are YOU – from falling on the ground. So give thanks for your levator; it’s a very good thing to have; handy and all that.
[I was going to put an anatomical picture here, but you can do your own research. It’s fun and rewarding.]
The phrase “pain in the butt” is such a common saying that we assign it very easily to everything but its literal meaning. And I want to go on record to say it’s real meaning is a real thing. I’ve had that kind of pain for over 10 years now. In 2010 I had a hemorrhoidectomy, the most painful surgery I have ever experienced. I did record, but a year or so after I had more pain. Same area, though this wasn’t quite as bad. That is, it didn’t quite feel like sitting on a knife. A fork is more like it.
So I had a second operation, a sphincterotomy to relieve a fissure, or tear, in the wall down there. And it worked! The fissure readily went away.
Then, about 5 years ago, a new pain started to happen. It was fork-like in intensity, about level 4 on the pain scale. And I would have it for 1-5 hours straight, always sitting down (which I must to drive of course). I lived with it, having been cut up enough, until this past few weeks when I just had enough. Mostly the timing was forced because when it hurts, I go to the men’s room for the obvious reasons. Except the obvious reasons weren’t happening.
So I was fully prepared to go back for hemorrhoid banding or surgery, whatever it took. I went to see Surgeon 1, who informed me that banding was not a likely possibility. Which left me with the prospect of the most painful surgery I’ve ever had. But he also referred me to Surgeon 2, a colorectal guy in Worcester, MA.
Well, after some very painful probing (during which I winced and said “You found it!” because that’s what you do, involuntarily and with a hope that he will stop it), he announced my problem was NOT hemorrhoidal but muscular. I have spasms of the aforementioned levator muscle. And they are painful. And recurring and long-lasting when they happen.
So, treatment for such is via electrical shock. You get plugged in and the resultant surge of electricity makes the muscle spasm, but since it lasts, it wears it out and it says “Ok, I’ve had enough, I’ll relax now.” Ok, it doesn’t really SAY that, but it might as well. And after 3 sessions of zappage, your problem dissipates.
I’m game, though getting plugged and plugged in sounds daunting. I’ll give a full report, don’t worry.
I have known Larry Nassar. No, not the real guy, but guys with his same story, his same condition and problem. Some have been rapists, others child abusers. Some have done prison time, though nothing like he will now serve. The point at which I’ve known them was prior to the kind of fall Dr. Nassar has experienced.
Now, Dr. Nassar is a monster. I utterly agree with his conviction and the sentence given. But I work at saving monsters. It’s not popular in this day of #metoo and I completely understand the victim side of the equation. Part of the salvation of those monsters – actually the first step – is admitting the damage you’ve done. I’m not sure Nassar is there; indications are that no, he isn’t. It’s my prayer that he will come to admit then let redemption come to what’s left of his incarcerated life. The goal is that he can serve as a warning to others – both perpetrators and victims – and proof that you can recover from such horrible things.
I’ve have been part of Pure Desire for 8 years now. I came there because I need – and found – help. So I am committed to providing that help to others as well. I want to share some of what I’ve learned about sexual addiction (SA) so people can gain understanding as well. Some are so hurt as victims or so much in denial as perpetrators that there is little to be gained by reading this, but I think most can find something. I do not want to foster gender wars or exonerate those in the wrong. I do want to find a way out of the mess, because lives, though damaged, are worth restoration and saving.
So here are some points about the sexual addiction (SA):
It is a chemical addiction – the endorphins released during sexual arousal are increased in amount via visual and then physical stimulation and the addict keeps coming back for more.
The development of universally available high band internet has been the means of widespread access to material used to flame the addiction.
While SA affects up to 70% of all men, it also affects up to 25% of women. Acting out is different due to cultural gender expectations, but the same brain chemical dependency is in play.
SA thrives in an atmosphere of shame, isolation and denial. Those provide the Petri dish where it grows. Dr. Nassar sounds like he is still in denial, but the isolation in which he committed his abuses was the worst kind – physical contact with completely vulnerable victims in the most private of settings. That’s a perfect storm. Plus, his stature as physician left him regarded and feeling as above the law.
If it is to be confronted and addressed, the addict must be honest about his/her problem. We’re familiar with the AA preamble “Hi, my name is X and I’m an alcoholic” .. the same thing applies.
Also, a safe community of likewise-addicted individuals is necessary to overcome the denial and isolation. Confrontation is not a one-time deal but a constant standard of the community. If this thing is to be beaten – and it can be – absolute confidentiality must provide absolute honesty.
There is a causal relationship between the addiction and personal pain, usually going back to one’s family of origin. There is no blame placed on those who hurt the addict, only an identification of the source of that pain.
Also, there is often a secondary problem with anger present. It has accurately been said that SD is eroticized rage – that one’s fantasies are very often ones that celebrates, makes a hero of and glorifies the individual because in life that has far too seldom been the case.
Monsters are worth saving – even Dr. Nassar and those indicted in the #metoo movement. Their lives do not represent all men, but they do represent enough to say we have a serious problem with entitlement, denial and isolation. And those stem from other problems, though few seem to care. I do care, because someone cared about me. Their lives are worth saving.
So Dr. Nassar’s case should serve as a warning. Most sex addicts won’t be physically locked up for the rest of their lives, but they are already locked up in prisons of isolation, depravity and shame. Many don’t know there’s a way out. So marriages fold, secret lives are revealed in their horrible detail and people gawk and cluck tongues.
I don’t like it when that happens. I want to save the monsters.
Spirituality. Active belief in God. Faith containing both experience and resultant action. These immediately bring up suspicions, fears and even instant dismissal. I understand that and I know why. People have communicated and advanced visions, pictures, ideas, sayings, instructions and life-leading direction, advice for others, words from the dead and all manner of extra-corporeal (that is, outside of “normal” experience and life) phenomena. How can all that be parsed and made sense of? And if it cannot, is there anything spiritual that can be reliably projected? Also, the political leanings, decisions and life-styles of those who claim themselves “spiritual” may well dissuade anyone from even considering experimentation let alone discipline in these matters.
So a Bible verse like this:
1 Corinthians 2:14 The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to that person, and cannot be understood, because they are spiritually discerned.
might well be taken as exclusionary. But I want to make sure you know you are not excluded as I tell some of my story and bring up common objections to faith and its practices:
Spiritual anencephalus
I recently heard Bill Maher interviewing Ross Douthat who was reporting on poll data concerning the church and Christian spirituality. Multiple times, Bill used the phrase “otherwise intelligent people” with no hidden meaning that he considers spiritual matters unintelligent and thus, wasteful of time and effort. I have read others who have said that belief in God was like believing in a childhood imaginary friend. Ignoring the derogatory nature of these slams and the pride they exude (to be sure, believers can be just as proud or worse), they articulate a problem we all have in understanding spiritual life: Do we need to become anencephalic (having no brain – a condition of newborns, almost always fatal) when we do spirituality?
No. The brain engages. And communicates, listening and speaking and experiencing all that is happening. One thing that does happen is that attitude about cognition changes. A know-it-all becomes a know-some-of-it or a know-nothing-in-order-to-hear. And a different part of the brain becomes engaged in an exchange of words and thoughts. It’s not like “My Favorite Martian” with the antenna coming up from the cranium:
… because it can happen at any time, but it involves thought and intelligence that often exceeds that of mere logic and witty intellect.
Belief – instant or progressive
Bible verses and faith statements and sayings can come across as an assault on one’s spiritual state or lack thereof. I really want to be sensitive about that because I come down heavily on the side of progressive faith. That is I strongly believe that people grow in belief. For sure there is a seed of faith I believe all humans possess and that seed must be watered via some action taken. But my story is one of a long chain of events, experiments and perceptions that together form a combined basis for faith.
Space doesn’t allow for an accounting of all of these, but I will relate one I had this past weekend – yesterday as I write this.
People may think that people of faith never doubt – the opposite is true – we constantly doubt. We have the writings of Mother Teresa and have her doubts with us. So I have been in a state of doubting God’s care for me as an individual. The doubt goes beyond an engineer’s calculation of my being one of 2 billion people “vying” for God’s attention. It’s an assault on the character of God – that God does not care about me as an individual. Well, I awoke on the lake where I was staying and was the only human witness to this dazzling display on the otherwise fog-blanketed water and shore:
Now as soon as images like that get linked to a spiritual tenet, people start mocking. There are those, after all, who see angels and entire apocalyptic scenes in cloud formations and get all excited. I have similar reactions to their revelations though I try to be very kind. So why is this case different? Well, the context (some fairly intense prayer and seeking), timing (it lasted 5 minutes) and even the attendance (that is, me alone) of the event all combined to make the point that it was something special for me.
And that may serve to display the idea of progression, for there is a long list of “coincidences” in my life that establish both the existence and personal nature of God. As I said, I cannot list them here, but suffice it to say that after a while, were I to make the argument of happenstance and accuse those in faith of being childish, the coincidence stance itself becomes the childish one.
Righteousness, sin and judgment
I know, here is where a lot of people will just get off the train. That’s because there is such a thing as spiritual malpractice. Most religions teach that there exists a higher plane of morality and ethics than is practiced on planet earth. And many actually condemn people for not attaining that level, all the while their most ardent proponents and practitioners have lives that are anything but exemplary of the tenets they espouse. Not to pick on Catholicism – I have dear and vital Catholic friends – but Woody Allen described his experiment with the Catholic church as “die now, pay later”. I hope at least some can smile and nod.
But it is a fact of my life and all human lives that we fall short of purity, ethically clean and morally good thought, speech and behavior. And we know it. At least some of it. The other half is that we know when we have been hurt by others. So even if we wouldn’t call it “sin” we would certainly agree offense has been done both to and by us causing damage that may last a long time.
And if there is a spiritual law that transcends all religion and belief systems, it is that of retribution. What goes around comes around. You reap what you sow, etc. It works on the positive side as well, for there is “pay it forward” as well.
It is is the offer of faith to rectify this aspect of life – the guilt and debt. We need a remedy for our own culpability, and for the damage of what has been done to us as well. Jesus attacked this problem head-on, not mincing word about our state and not just stopping at talking about it. He died to fix it.
Now, there are many, many who insert their own judgment for that of God. They assume the guilt of others but their own innocence. These people don’t want people to be free and forgiven; it would upset their personal reign. There are also those who wallow in shame, never rising above the acknowledgment of their dark deeds and supposing those actions define them. Both extremes, as well as a host of other misreads and misapplications can pollute and hide the biggest reason to be a Christ-follower.
Because there is freedom. And forgiveness. And reconciliation, peace, love, joy and all the rest.
This is not the accomplishment of an imaginary friend. Real blood was shed. Real miracles happened, including the miracle of my life.
Invitation
I would therefore like to invite anyone reading this to entertain something more in life rather than only wake-eat-work-party-sleep. Because there is more and there are riches found in a life of faith. Even a faltering, wobbling sometimes-trudge that experiments and experiences God.
I attended Brandeis University in the early 70s. For my freshman year, there was some controversy about the mass acceptance of “townies” – those from the same town of Waltham, MA – into the school. I knew of no one who applied who did NOT get accepted. It was hypothesized that the school wanted to make some amends for recent political stirrings on campus. Anti-war sentiments were very high at the school, and among the offshoots of those leanings came a group of students who robbed a Boston bank and killed a police officer. They intended to use the stolen $26,000 they gained to overthrow the US government.
I am very grateful for the blessing of attending the school; it was a great experience. It was agreed that I should live on campus, at least originally, and so I moved into a dorm room in September 1971. My roommate was Oliver, a gay Puerto Rican man from Brooklyn. Getting to know him and both communities he represented was a very rich part of my time at Brandeis.
Among the Latinos I befriended were many who had not just liberal, but radical politics. Hailing from some of the most repressive nations in the Western Hemisphere, many of them had family or friends wiped out by those regimes. They were also largely anti-American, at least anti-American government (in that they were in the right school). They were uniformly poor people by US standards. Yet intelligent and good students. Many had lived in NYC, though some came from Latino communities in the south. They were almost all on hefty scholarships, which I thought and still think was great.
I remember one instance when the older brother of one of my friends came to visit the school. A strong anti-government, anti-establishment discussion was brewing and I recall his objection, saying “No! I love my boss. I have a good job and it pays for my family to eat and someday my children will go to a school like this and I will pay for it!” He was regaled by most as a traitor to his people and culture, though his point was made nonetheless.
Most of all, I remember the love. They would address each other and speak of another in the third person as ‘dito Lydia, ‘dito Edwin. It was short for “bendito” – blessed. The closest thing to it in English would be “dear” or “dearest” which was and is so foreign to common speech as to invite skepticism or even ridicule. But it was completely authentic – they meant it. From the heart. And then they started to call me ‘dito John. It was so beautiful it made me cry. I had taken Spanish in high school, so I knew a little of it. But I never heard “simpatico” used in a sentence. Though it sounds like “sympathetic” it is much more than that. It’s love that condescends without shaming or belittling. Today I would say it’s Jesus coming to earth and dying for us.
Part of their culture, part of their group mindset, held that stealing was okay. They reasoned that since everything good in life was out of reach financially, they were themselves the victims of theft, so “liberating” (code for stealing) goods was perfectly ethical. And they would have actual examples of being targeted by agents of “the system” that were perfect descriptions of corrupt government and policing. So, they would sometimes show me clothing they had left on while in the changing rooms at clothing stores, sneaking it out under their outer clothing. And they had other methods.
Since I was a townie with occasional means of transportation, I would act as chauffeur to my friends, though they would humor my gringo presence well enough. We loved each other; let’s be plain about that. I don’t remember whose idea it was – certainly not mine – that my family car would serve as a getaway vehicle for the liberating of a Christmas tree, but it somehow blossomed into a plan without my having much say in it. The dorm had a need, and no one had the money so ..
I believe it was a Sunday night that we were to do the deed, and we pulled up to the unguarded lot where the trees were. Suddenly I was unanimously nominated to do the actual stealing. It was a moment of truth for me – a true double bind. I wanted these people to be my friends but come on, I’m no thief. Part of the latter conviction came from the grace of getting caught 100% of the times I had tried to steal as I grew up. And I didn’t share the same mentality about theft.
The Christmas tree remained unliberated. And I guess I let them down.
My parents later revoked my rights to using the family station wagon to drive anyone around, another grace.
Given today’s biggest qualification – back then it didn’t matter to anyone – I have no idea as to their legal immigrant status at the time. Many were Puerto Rican and were certainly allowed to live in the US.
But I will say this. I loved and still love these people. Stealing is wrong, not because you might get caught. And if your politics justifies it, you need to adjust your politics.
Proverbs 6:30-31 Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house.
That is, though there exist reasons that people might resort to theft, it is wrong. Period.
As a result of knowing my friends in school, I do understand that mentality. They weren’t making up their stories of poverty. Nor were they trying to establish their culture or Spanish language over English. They were just struggling for an identity as a people – without shame and without stigma.
Much later I would learn about a theological branch called Liberation Theology. Even in that, I would learn, there is imbalance and a hardened, corporate victim mentality. The balance is that God does move on the hearts of people to help the poor.
Though I have lost touch with them all (that actually happened by senior year), in my little way, I was glad to give my friends my love. And I was glad I chickened out with that Christmas tree, because that was a small gift to them as well.
LightWalking 