Things that have floors:

  1. Buildings and homes
  2. The ocean
  3. One’s pelvis

The latter floor is one of muscle.  To be specific it is the levator (pronounced like the French might entitle Darth Vader, when his first name (well that was a title itself) was well known – “Le Vader”).  Anyway, this important and large sinew keeps the contents of your abdomen – I mean organs, intestines, colon, bladder, uterus (well, not me) etc – the contents that are YOU – from falling on the ground.  So give thanks for your levator; it’s a very good thing to have; handy and all that.

[I was going to put an anatomical picture here, but you can do your own research.  It’s fun and rewarding.]

The phrase “pain in the butt” is such a common saying that we assign it very easily to everything but its literal meaning.  And I want to go on record to say it’s real meaning is a real thing.  I’ve had that kind of pain for over 10 years now.  In 2010 I had a hemorrhoidectomy, the most painful surgery I have ever experienced.  I did record, but a year or so after I had more pain.  Same area, though this wasn’t quite as bad.  That is, it didn’t quite feel like sitting on a knife.  A fork is more like it.

So I had a second operation, a sphincterotomy to relieve a fissure, or tear, in the wall down there.  And it worked!  The fissure readily went away.

Then, about 5 years ago, a new pain started to happen.  It was fork-like in intensity, about level 4 on the pain scale.  And I would have it for 1-5 hours straight, always sitting down (which I must to drive of course).   I lived with it, having been cut up enough, until this past few weeks when I just had enough.  Mostly the timing was forced because when it hurts, I go to the men’s room for the obvious reasons.  Except the obvious reasons weren’t happening.

So I was fully prepared to go back for hemorrhoid banding or surgery, whatever it took.  I went to see Surgeon 1, who informed me that banding was not a likely possibility.  Which left me with the prospect of the most painful surgery I’ve ever had.  But he also referred me to Surgeon 2, a colorectal guy in Worcester, MA.

Well, after some very painful probing (during which I winced and said “You found it!” because that’s what you do, involuntarily and with a hope that he will stop it), he announced my problem was NOT hemorrhoidal but muscular.  I have spasms of the aforementioned levator muscle.  And they are painful.  And recurring and long-lasting when they happen.

So, treatment for such is via electrical shock.  You get plugged in and the resultant surge of electricity makes the muscle spasm, but since it lasts, it wears it out and it says “Ok, I’ve had enough, I’ll relax now.”  Ok, it doesn’t really SAY that, but it might as well.  And after 3 sessions of zappage, your problem dissipates.

I’m game, though getting plugged and plugged in sounds daunting.  I’ll give a full report, don’t worry.


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